1. You will never get any thing done in the time slot you’ve allocated for it.
Think you’ve got a spare hour to paint the kitchen? Think you can finally tackle that pile of ironing? Think you can fit in sorting out the kids bedroom? Ha, no chance! You see, babies and children quite literally have a sixth sense when it comes to mums wanting to get anything done. For example, you’ve been meaning to paint the kitchen for the past two weeks, your baby is quite content in his buggy after the school run so you grab the brushes and open the tin. The moment brush touches paint baby wakes – screaming! Uncontrollably! You take an hour to settle baby before making a second attempt on the walls…. Ring fucking ring! There goes the phone – it’s the school secretary “your child is ill can you pick him up?” Ffs! You take another hour to get baby in buggy, pick up sick child, comfort toddler, settle baby and play nurse to sick child. Before you know it, it’s 4pm and time to cook.
2. Leaving the house has to be planned with military precision.
I seriously plan outings days in advance. I’m not talking about “days out” (that shit would take weeks to plan) no, I mean popping out, you know, like to the shops, or the school run. I get outfits ready the night before, set the breakfast table before I go to bed, and create an action plan; feed baby, dress Charlie, remind kids of what they need, put baby down for a nap, get my clothes on, break up an argument, brush my hair (sometimes I skip this) clean up, dress baby, sort buggy, gather bags, fret that I’ve lost my house key – again! Put my coat on, leave. It never works as simply as that though. Sometimes I actually do lose my house key, and more often than not, one child will forget something.
3. Getting ready for a night out literally takes allll day!
This isn’t even funny. No wonder mums don’t go out often, it’s far too much hassle just to feel shit in the morning. Seriously though if I’m going on a night out I start planning three days before. Getting the house straightened out, all the washing and ironing done, confirming baby sitters (that were pre-booked 2 weeks in advance) planning meals for the day of etc… and then comes the day of the night out, I start off early, cleaning, washing, sweeping, then I’ll no doubt have to go to town because I forgot false nails, come home, get clothes ready for the kids for night time, make sure toys, ipads are charged, feed everyone, make plenty of milk bottles for baby, put nappies and wipes in clear view. and the there’s getting ready. All that has to be done whilst still doing mum stuff, like feeding baby and changing shitty nappies. No doubt I forget to put a lippy in my bag in the rush. WHAT IS THIS LIFE?!
4. Kids are naughty. Really naughty.
I remember thinking kids were vile creatures when I was younger; bratty, horrid, snot rags that needed to learn some manners. Then I had my own and thought they were delightful little angels, no way would they turn out like the spoiled shits I hated. 3 years later they were exactly the same. Screaming banshee like beings, covered in snot, or sick, or both. Bellowing at me for that over priced toy in the supermarket “…But I want it NOW!” Siblings don’t get on either. They always have to be better than the other and the youngest is always in charge “…give me that NOW…” “…that is MINE” “…But I don’t want to go to bed…” “…more milk, god damn you mother!” Oh yes, kids aren’t delightful at all.
5. You will never have nice things, ever again.
And you’ll replace glasses and plates as often as tissue paper. Kids destroy everything! whether that’s tearing off the paper on your freshly decorated walls, putting hand prints on your banisters 24 hours after yet another coat of paint, or even chucking their poop around their room once they’ve discovered how to remove a nappy. Nothing you have is safe. Everything will be ruined. just quit while you’re ahead and resort to only buying things made of a disposable material. But be warned, even plastic isn’t safe.
6. Sleep becomes impossible.
Not just because the children don’t sleep but because you can never fully “switch off”. Even when you think you’re in the most deepest slumber you will hear every cough, sneeze and twitch your child makes. Mothers instinct I guess. Cute, but so annoying when you’re deep in thoughts of a naked Tom Hardy.
7. You’ll get old well before your time.
Remember all those phrases your own parents used to say? “take it or leave it” “you’ll get square eyes” “if the wind changes you’ll stick like that” well, no matter how old you are when you have your children you will say these. and you will sound like your own mum. exactly a like. You’ll suddenly be prudish and want to protect your child from everything ” no you are not going to the shop all by yourself, you’re only 14 years old for heavens sake.” The stuff that kids are into like music and Netflix series make you question if you actually really do still love Heartbeat and Elvis. If you have a daughter, she will comment on your clothes style, your hair, your make up, your brows. The shit 9 year old girls know these days would have made the high school girls of 2000 look like amateur monkeys.
8. You’ll never see the bottom of the washing pile. Ever.
I used to feel a great sense of joy as a child when I was the first one to add clothes to an empty washing basket, little did I realize it had probably only been empty for a maximum of 5 seconds prior to me dropping in my uniform. You see, children just love to make you work and the laundry is their most favorite task they like to see you do. You will wash endless school shirts, dirty trousers, pjs, socks (f**king socks!) clothes you’ve never even seen before. You will wash bedding, and towels, and tea towels every single day. Then you have to dry it and iron it and put it away and then you do it again and again and again and…
9. Forget Bills, it’s school that costs the most!
Once your child starts school say goodbye to your cash. Forever. Every week there is something new they are asking for and the schools plan it perfectly well for when they need it. Before the summer holidays and Christmas seem to be the favorites. Naturally. There are trips, outings, special visitors to the school. Film nights, fete contributions, nativity costumes, bakes sales, dress up outfits, days of national celebration (st.pats, Jubilee, world book day, sports relief etc) and lets not forget uniform. Shoes alone are setting you back £40. Every term if you have a boy. Ties vanish daily, PE trainers go “missing” weekly, white shirts? Pfft, they’re grey after the first wash. Just face it, you’ll never have a good relationship with your debit card ever again.
10. You will never feel another love like it.
Despite sometimes being naughty, bratty, snot covered rodents they will fill your heart with so much love it will physically hurt. When your child gets ill, you’ll be prepared to do anything to make them feel better. When someone hurts them or makes them cry, you will want to do prison time to defend them. When your child picks a weed from the garden and hands it to you, you will think it is the most beautiful flower in the world. You will be just as comforted by their hugs as they are of yours. They will makes you smile, laugh, cry, fill you with joy and sorrow all at the same time. You will love them unconditionally, even more than you could ever possibly love yourself.