Toddlers are little shits. Lets be honest. They are the equivalent to a walking talking middle finger that often resembles the drunk guy down your local pub.
They wet themselves, often walk around naked and more often than not, can be found shouting toddler-style profanities while shoving Kinder Eggs in their face.
But what’s it really like to live with a threenage boy? Here, I’ll show you..
1. So help you god if your child dares push the traffic light button before mine! Your child WILL pay! You WILL pay! My other children will pay and my life WILL be made a living hell for the forthcoming 48 hours! – Hell hath no fury like a three year old who didn’t get to press the sodding button!
2. Food of choice for every single meal will be Kinder Eggs. No healthy nutritious garb is going in this humans mouth. Not by choice anyway. You will have a battle of wits at every meal time and you will get baked beans in your face. Fact!
3. They NEVER wear clothes! Ever! This tiny human would much rather live out his days as a professional nudist and greet everyone who comes to your door with his todger out. He has no shame, tell him to put some pants on? He’ll have a fit of rage in protest at something so alien and don’t even mention socks.
4. His Favorite word is “NO!”. Eat your breakfast! No! Put some pants on! No! Do you love mommy? No. Do you need a poo? No. Go to bed! No! Do you want to play? No. Shall we be really good today and not drive mom to the brink of insanity? No!.. You get where I’m going with this.
5. EVERYTHING belongs to them! Let’s be honest, if you have older children living with your toddler, they probably secretly hate him at times. Toddler has just screamed the house down to get his chubby mits on older sons football cards only to screw them up and drool on them. He’s had a total melt down over older daughters mobile phone just so he can roll in down the stairs and watch it smash to bits! He takes their sweets, their toys, their clothes and even yanks out their hair thinking it’s his!
6. You’ll never watch your choice of Netflix ever again! Because the TV is his too! God forbid anyone who dares turn off Peppa f**king pig after it’s been on for three hours straight! He will punch you. In the face. Probably with the remote.
7. Never attempt to nap when a toddler is awake. He’s not having any of that s**t! He’s awake, you’re awake and he’ll make damn sure of it. He’ll gauge out your eyes with his freakishly sharp nails, pull at your hair and sharp slap your face. Just give up. Because he won’t!
8. He has mastered the “puppy dog eyes” even the most established, stern parents can not help but fall for. Don’t dare say this child can’t have more of his beloved milk, he won’t cry he’ll do this instead …
I can assure you, it’s far worse than tears. There’s only one person winning here, and it sure as hell isn’t mum!
9. Buying an over priced magazine/comic full of plastic tat is compulsory every time you enter a shop. He wants it and he’s not leaving without it! You fight tooth & nail with him trying to change his mind to a Kinder Egg, but in the end, after 5 minutes of balling screams, you resign yourself to paying the £3.99 price tag just so you can find the milk in peace.
10. The supermarket is heaven. To them any way. They have the most tremendous fun hiding down the aisles, sneaking chocolate off the shelves and throwing the mother of all tantrums over wanting an avocado that he would never dare eat. He wants to get in the trolley, then he wants to get out, you wrestle him back in for the safety of other shoppers because you just know that avocado is going to be bounced of someone’s head at any moment.
11. They lose all control of their bladder the moment you set off on a very rare day out. At home he has mastered going to the toilet, letting you know in advance every time he needs to tinkle, hell, he even stands up like a big boy! The very moment you hit the motor way he has uncontrollably pissed himself, even though he went twice before you left the house. He continues to dispense urine on an hourly basis until you repent and give up on your special day out. Once home, he goes straight to the sodding loo and doesn’t even dribble on the seat. Sods. F**king. Law!
12. They don’t appreciate anything. There’s a reason why most attractions like Zoos are free for threes and under. The little buggers don’t appreciate a damn thing. You’ve planned this trip for weeks just knowing he’ll have a great time looking in wonder at all the majestic animals. No. All he wants to do is ride on daddy’s shoulders, eat the babies snacks and maybe chase the free roaming chickens around. Next week, you’ll just take him to the farm down the road.
13. They can be so damn loving it is almost impossible to get mad at them. Ever. For every tantrum, every fit of rage, every refusal to go to bed or put clothes on there is always something they do that makes you question how they could ever be such a terror. Like, bringing you blankets when you’re sick, telling daddy off if he tries to drink your tea, giving his baby brother a bottle when he starts to cry or even just those random hugs of love and pure affection towards his family. That’s the beauty of them I guess; you just never know if you’re going to be showered with love and sloppy kisses or driven half mad and end up drinking vino at 2pm.