So today I read an article about a gorgeous lady from the show “First Dates” who had a 22-point strong checklist for her perfect man.
It included things such as; no steroids, no crazy ex, no tattoos and erm, no midgets.
It’s all well and good having high expectations an’ all but I kinda wonder what that list would look like if it was written by a mom?
I mean, we have checklists for our checklists so I should imagine it would be pretty extensive to say the least.
As an example (and a bit of fun) This would be my Perfect man checklist: Mom Style.
1. The ability to bring me perfectly made cups of tea on demand. Even when I’m in the throes of a sickness bug my kids have passed on to me and I’m unable to leave the loo for several hours.
2. Must be able to withstand the stench of various bodily fluids, from sick to pee, to poop to snot. Because sometimes? You won’t always be around me when I only smell of Dior.
3. Has to be someone who already has kids or doesn’t want kids but still likes kids. Because, you know, I have four. We’re a package deal but I’m not having anymore even if it was for Tom Hardy. Bring your own or go without. Simple.
4. Cooking is a vital skill that I do consider highly in my “top 10 perfect man traits” – 1. Because I HATE cooking and 2. I love food. Sometimes it would be nice to take a break from having to pinch the kids fish fingers off their plate and calling it a meal.
5. Sleep won’t matter to you. Because it’s highly unlikely you’ll be getting any if kids are around. Ever.
6. Neither will sexy time. Because sexy time can (and most definitely does) lead to babies and as we discussed in point 3 above, more babies aren’t an option. Besides, parents never get time for bedroom action – unless of course it’s a blue moon.
7. You will consider lounging on the sofa with a take away pizza and binge watching Game Of Thrones as a date. This, however, is NOT a Netflix and Chill situ; 9 times out of 10 we will be disturbed by one or more children who have woke to realise they’ve lost a sock and the other 1 out of 10 I won’t be in the mood.
8. You will enjoy spontaneous trips to Sainsbury’s mid-Sunday morning when I realise I’ve forgot to pick up milk and I’ve just used the last nappy. This will require at least 2 hours to browse the kids clothes section, pick up several unnecessary (but totally gorgeous) scented candles and buying the entire contents of their new stationery range. You won’t moan when I drop £100 on tat and you can’t strop when half way home I remember I still didn’t pick up the milk. You will instead, happily drive me to the nearest garage to get it.
9. No crazy ex is a pretty good one to be fair. A mother doesn’t need any more drama in her life.
10. You will have a range of skills such as; being able to play football, man enough to handle flat-pack furniture and the ability to hold a conversation with a 9 year old about Pokemon cards.
11. Appearances will mean very little to you. Because, if you decided to drop round at 10am on a Sunday morning you will no doubt find me still in my snot covered Pjs with my hair in a bun (that harbours several varieties of biscuit crumbs) and a dressing gown I’ve have since 2003. It’s not a pretty sight.
12. You will have the patience of a saint. If you arrange a date please expect me to be around 2 months late. One or all four of my kids will come down with a mysterious illness, babysitters will drop out and sometimes? I just can’t be bothered to get dressed.
13. But your time keeping skills must be spot on. I have 4 kids, I don’t have time for dilly-dalling. Besides, do you know how hard babysitters are to come by? Very! Let me down once – you’re gone.
14. You will bring me flowers and Gin when you know I’ve had a bad day. The flowers are to make me feel better, the Gin is just to keep me sane.
15. Must be strong but not a gym-buff. I need a strong man to help with all that ikea flat-pack but people who spend too much time in the gym won’t have enough time to help me assemble it. Priorities.
16. Nights out with the lads are a thing of the past. Now you need to get yourself some new mates. Mates that like drinking tea and discussing the contents of their kids nappy at soft play while surrounded by snot-welding toddlers and other bat-shit-crazy parents who haven’t seen the inside of a pub in 5 years.
17. You will drive a nice big car. Nothing fancy, just one of those hideous 7 seater things to ferry the clan and all of our belongings around. You do realise you’ll never leave the house in under an hour again, right?
18. Must be happy to holiday in Cornwall and enjoy places like Charlestown to be fascinated by the tall ships used in Poldark. Parents don’t do Maga anymore fellas, now it’s all ice cream and cream tea by the great British coast.
19. Or Disney land. Look, if you’re not happy to spend 8 hours on a flight with rabid, crying kids as we head over for a 2 week holiday with Mickey Mouse; we can’t be friends, let alone lovers.
20. Primark must be you’re favourite shop. Two reasons: 1. You have to learn to pinch the pennies when you have kids 2. Primark is my favourite shop and it’s probably the only place I can go to without the kids to get some peace. We will spend a lot of time in Primark. It’s non-negotiable.
21. Must be able to iron clothes. Because ironing is the worst job in the world and yet one that never seems to end. If you can take over a two-hour ironing session, that sexy time might just happen.
22. Doesn’t leave a mess in the kitchen and picks up his socks from the bathroom floor. Look, I’m not your Mom. I’m the kids mom, and as I’ve already expressed, I don’t want any more than what I’ve already got. So if you’re going to slob around my house leaving you’re shit everywhere I suggest you pack up and head back to your own parents until your man enough to be a parent!
23. You will enjoy various activities such as visiting National Trust places of interest, the town carnival, Christmas lights switch ons and anything else that is guaranteed to make parents lose their shit. You won’t flinch as you drop £6 on a Spider-Man shaped balloon and you will enjoy spending hours on the 2p machines at the arcades. Even if you do only win a plastic key ring.
24. You’ll be more than happy to see me in my granny-pants, very slightly unshaven and as pale as the kids milk bottle as opposed to my pre-kids attire that consisted of an unholy g-string and a Fake-Bake glow. You appreciate the fact comfort wear is the new Ann Summers and you even help me out by reminding me where I put my slippers.
25. Finally, you will be loving and understanding. Dating a mom is hard work I’m sure, it comes with all Manor of inconveniences but, like with anything in life, it requires time, love and understanding to make it work.
Oh, and Gin.
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