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What Will Happen If I Don' Get The 30th Birthday Proposal?

*This post was written last year and I can Confirm, I DID get the proposal!*
For as long as I can remember, I've always known I wanted to get married. Not just for the lavish do (although, not going to lie, it does have a certain appeal) but because I wanted to feel like I belonged to a family, a real, married life family.
And yet, a few years ago I gave up on the idea of getting married, in fact, when I met Tom, I had no intention of getting married at all and thoughts about wedding bells were a distant memory. But as I edged closer to 30, my life was suddenly being put into perspective and I wondered about all the things I was maybe missing out on because I hadn't done them already, things like becoming Editor, learning to drive and then, getting married. The turning point was a few months before we found out I was pregnant with Edward, I had been having health issues since Charlie's birth and it came to a point where I was convinced I had cancer.
One night, after months of tests, scans and hospital appointments I started to bleed – I was certain my next appointment would be to confirm my soon-to-be death which is when everything hit me all at once; "I can't die without being married!"
Thankfully it wasn't cancer, but cysts on my ovaries as well other little niggles. Still, from that day on I started putting my priorities in order and analyzing my life and where I wasting it. My relationship was one of them. I started to wonder, after 3 years, where was it going? If not marriage then where? We had already done everything backwards; had a baby, moved in together, had another baby, but no sign of a ring. So was this it? What was the next stage of our relationship going to be?
So I bought it up, and made a big point of if it's not leading to marriage, I am wasting my time. 2 Years passed and still no ring. Every time I thought it might be happening, it didn't. Last Christmas, I was presented with a lovely little box – only to discover a MAC gift card inside. So at the beginning of this year (2017), the final year of my 20s, my decision was made: if there isn't a ring on my finger by 11:59pm on October 2nd I was out. Done. Finished. I'd give the relationship until Christmas and then it would be over by the new year.
I made peace with this decision, that is, until recently. Was getting married really all that important? I guess the answer is yes and no. Yes, because I still do want to feel safe and secure in the knowledge that he loves me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me, and also to finish our family puzzle, join us all together so effectively we are complete.
But also no, maybe it isn't the be all and end all if I'm not engaged by the time I'm 30. I mean, we still have so much to look forward to and so many great things happening in our lives right now. Perhaps getting engaged will just be another one of those things that will require time we don't quite have right now.
And would it really make any difference to our relationship? Well, no, I guess it wouldn't – married or not we'll still enjoy a takeaway on a Friday night, we will still Netflix without the chill and we'll no doubt still be battling to get all of the kids to bed before 9pm.
Our days will still be the same and so will our lives, the only real difference would be my name and that isn't exactly on my list of priorities right now.
So what will happen if I don't get the 30th Birthday proposal? Honestly, I don't know. At the moment I'd like to think I'll be fine about it, because hey, what's the big deal. We're doing great as we are and our lives are pretty much on track. On the other hand, I might have a post-30 melt down where my entire life flashes before my very eyes and I'm filled with a thousand regrets.
Only time will tell, until then I'm going to try not to think too much about it. I know a part of me will be disappointed if it doesn't happen but at the same time, I don't want it to happen just because it's my birthday, And I certainly don't want a pity proposal.
Hayley-Jayne Xx
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